söndag 19 juli 2015


Today I am giving up my broken heart for the benefit of healing my spirit.
This is just a tip of an iceberg but I have had enough. This is me putting my foot down. I won´t take part in your sick games anymore. No more tears for you. Want to be a part of my life? Then stay put or stay out. From now on there will be only happy tears for me

You broke my heart into a thousand pieces.
At first it seemed like as if the heart would manage to heal and grow back strong again. Abused, both body and soul, I still wake up crying and screaming from nightmares, voices echoing in my head telling me I am a terrible, worthless human being. Decades of your tough words has gotten tattooed onto every little part of that former heart. Your impossible demands, rules changing like the weather  and your judgemental ways glued these parts together, only not to mend the heart but building up a centerpiece of ice in it's place.

Like a leaf upon the waves of a perfect storm, my heart was raised and sometimes got lost in a battlefield. Always getting punished for not doing things right, or not being good enough, or reading your mind properly, sometimes just used as a punching bag when you couldn't handle yourself. Time after time you smashed that centerpiece of ice, leaving all the parts on the ground.
Face down, I was pusched, kicked, yelled at and dragged through the wreckage. Eventually I started to do this myself. Well taught on how to pick up those sharp pieces of anger, frustration and hate and use them to cut myself, bleeding my soul out of anxiety.

For the longest time I have been trying to understand your "actions of love" and forgive the shortcoming. 
Today I am able to forgive you my broken heart. In fact I would like to give it to you as a gift. So there you have it! It's yours, finally. Why don't you play puzzle with it, you could touch the pieces, feel the scars with your fingertips, read the tattooed messages and relive the memories. Hope you enyoj it.

I have planted a special garden, a place where you are welcome to visit me. There is a sign telling one simple rule for this garden: NO SMASHING! Don't destroy my flowers, don't dig up my lawn, don't ruin the fences or try to overstep the boundaries. Cause if you do, you will learn that people who can not stay put in this place of respect will be forced to stay out.

Because sadly, I may never forgive how you broken my spirit.

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